Today I woke with an awareness of my journey through my life and how I have celebrated this day marked as the resurrection of Jesus. Some of you may or may not know this about me and how I was a missionary for ten years, yet I feel asked to share about my journey with Christ. I rarely share this because I no longer identify with the mainstream theology I was taught to believe and have not wanted to enter into debates about what I believe or feel the need to defend myself (which is very much the wounds of my background). This I share from my heart to yours for those who have a deep knowing there is more to this story of Jesus.
The Jesus I knew to be true to me was not necessarily what was being taught. There was always this deep knowing that there was so much more to this man Jesus beyond his suffering. Over many years Jesus was an intimate partner that taught me how to love, have compassion, to heal myself and others through presence. This presence is what I longed to offer to others, this intimacy and love in a palatable way. It wasn’t until I was gifted to experience a traumatic couple of years in what some might call a cult, that I allowed the programming foundation of all I believed to be dismantled. Because of my own childhood trauma, this triggered me into a deep state of depression for over thirteen years that I felt I could not face. I left the church, my foundational beliefs were shattered and I felt utterly alone. It wasn’t until my son lovingly guided me back to myself to reflect it was time to face all the things I didn’t have the courage to do so before.
Through my healing process I began to reconstruct who I AM from the inside out, without all the programming I was freed to explore Jesus as a living consciousness that is actually inside me, that IS me. Instead of externalizing my savior, I was able to understand that I was the one I was waiting for. Taking this radical responsibility for my life enabled me to step out of the victim mode and into reclaiming myself. To love myself in profound ways, giving myself the compassion to heal the darkest shadows I had hidden for the majority of my life. Jesus was no longer someone I looked to externally, He became my guide in learning how to own this Christ light that is within me. His life was not to teach me how to suffer; it was how to love, heal and ascend within this human body. His death and rebirth has shown me the countless way to allow myself to the flow through my own deaths of who I have thought I was to rebirth into my true essence.
So today, no matter where you are on your healing journey, I offer this celebration for our journeys of this human life. To the many deaths and rebirths of our I AM self knowing that there will be many more to come. Each and every death allows us to shed who we are not into new expressions of who we actually are. Arise my love, it’s time to own your I AM presence!